


'cause i can see our future days

by forthelongesttime



Category: How I Met Your Mother
Genre: F/M, Future Fic, Humor, Post-Canon, Romance, although I might go back at some point, some sexy times but nothing like super explicit, we don't recognise the finale in this house
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:21:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21892834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forthelongesttime/pseuds/forthelongesttime
Summary: robin and barney oneshots // march 2020
Relationships: Lily Aldrin/Marshall Eriksen, Robin Scherbatsky/Barney Stinson, Tracy McConnell/Ted Mosby
Comments: 14
Kudos: 21





	1. i'll name the dogs

**Author's Note:**

> *shows up 5 years late with a latte* robin and barney deserved better! 
> 
> anyway, i’ve recently done a bit of a himym rewatch for the first time since the show ended and i decided if the writers couldn’t give barney and robin the life they deserved, i might as well try my hand at it. idk how many of these one-shots i’ll be doing or how often i’ll be able to update, but i haven’t been able to get some of these ideas out of my head. i never actually watched the finale and i’m gonna be cherry-picking and straight up ignoring some events because they’re dumb and i don’t like them (aka tracy does not die, robin and barney don’t get divorced, i’m not sure whether I’m going to give marshall and lily a third kid or not yet but… it’s on thin ice). 
> 
> the fic title is a lyric from the song 'future days' by pearl jam and the chapter title is from 'i'll name the dogs' by blake shelton (a song that barney and robin would 100% make fun of btw)

**set late 2020-ish**

The first thing Barney said when he got home was: “I think we should get a dog.”

“Okay,” Robin said, barely looking up from her laptop where she was reading about a trade deal she was covering.

Barney emptied his pockets and sprung towards her, Robin moved her legs off the sofa so he could sit down and when he stared directly at her for a few seconds she smiled, and put her laptop on the table, turning to kiss him.

“I’m serious about this dog,” said Barney, a few seconds later.

“Uh-huh,” Robin kissed his cheek and then his jaw before sitting back against his side, one of his hands moved to tug gently on a strand of her hair.

“You’re not taking this seriously enough, _babe_ ,” he stressed, pulling slightly harder for emphasis and then kissing her temple.

“Yeah I am,” she said, “we’re getting a dog. Sounds good.”

“ _Ye_ …s,” Barney said, squinting at her. “So… we’re doing this. We’re getting a dog.”

“Yes, we are,” Robin smiled beatifically at him. “Now, you hungry? ‘Cause I’m ready to eat.”

-

“Robin doesn’t want a dog,” Barney said, as though they were already having this conversation, as though he showed up unannounced in Westchester every day (it wasn’t quite every day).

“Hi,” said Tracy. “Good to see you, Tracy. How are you, Tracy? What’s going on with you, Tracy?”

“I thought Ted was going to answer the door,” Barney muttered, nudging Tracy gently in the stomach and brushing past her into the house.

“He went on an ‘emergency sewing’ run,” Tracy said. “He’ll be back soon.”

“Everything’s so far away here,” Barney said, starting to pace, “he could be gone for hours.”

“Uh, we’re still in New York, diaper man,” Tracy commented (“Barely” Barney snorted). “So, Robin doesn’t want a dog? She likes dogs – I thought she used to have a bunch of them?”

“She did!” Barney said. “She had, like, five hundred! She loves dogs!”

“Okay, so have you asked her why she doesn’t want a dog?” Tracy took Barney by the arm and tugged him into the sitting room, carefully navigating around Legos and toy cars and the arm of one particularly unfortunate teddy (“Please stop screaming, Penny, daddy’s gonna fix Mr Bumble so fast! Please stop screaming, please please please-”). Barney winced.

“Is that… Tiffany’s arm?”

“Mr Bumble’s – please stop giving our kid’s toys stripper names – Ted’s grabbing the ‘perfect thread’ with Penny right now.”

“Tiffany isn’t a stripper name – it’s a nod to a fine establishment and to one of Ted’s favourite films! And Robin and I bought Penny that bear – I think that means we get to name her!”

“That’s not how buying toys for a five-year-old works, dude.”

“Should be,” Barney sulked, picking the bear’s disembodied arm up and waving it sullenly. A bit of stuffing fell out as he did, and Barney watched it fall onto his trouser leg apathetically.

Sighing, Tracy pulled the arm out of Barney’s grip, “Why doesn’t Robin want a dog?”

“I don’t know, Tracy,” Barney whined. “I thought she’d be really excited about it and all ‘let’s look at cute dog pictures, let’s look at breeders right now – hold up, first I need to thank my super sexy husband for being so awesome with some sexual favors’, you know?”

“Right,” Tracy acquiesced, “and that didn’t happen.”

“It did not! She barely reacted at all!” 

“She didn’t jump you right there?” Tracy mocked.

“She didn’t do anything! She just was all like ‘sounds good’ and then we ordered food,” Barney leapt off the sofa and resumed pacing. “We had sex later.”

“So… and this might sound completely off base, but Robin actually seems ‘good’ with having a dog.”

“That is completely off base, thank you, Ted’s wife,” Barney sniped. “But you don’t understand Robinese well enough to comment on this.”

“First of all, call me ‘Ted’s wife’ again and you can get right out of this house. Secondly, Robinese?”

“The language of Robin Scherbatsky, keep up,” Barney breezed past her slightly sharpened tone to circle back to his own whirlpool of misery, “and she is SAYING that she doesn’t want a dog.”

“By saying she does want a dog?”

“I’m waiting for Ted,” Barney huffed, folding his arms and folding himself into one of Penny’s laughably small chairs. “He understands these things.”

“Ridiculous non-issues that you’re having with your wife? Yeah, I’m sure Ted has a folder,” Tracy laughed and then immediately regretted it.

“TED’S FOLDER!” Barney yelled, jumping up at once, in the fashion of an extremely well-dressed jack-in-the-box.

“NO!” Tracy leapt to intercept him.

“I KNOW TED HAS A FOLDER! THAT’S EXACTLY THE SORT OF GIRLY THING TED WOULD DO. NOW, TELL ME EVERYTHING YOU KNOW!”

“I’LL TELL YOU NOTHING! _FUCK!_ IT DOESN’T EXIST, I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN! Did you know Penny called you her favorite uncle yesterday?”

“She did?” Barney’s face melted into a soppy grin, and he pulled his phone out, “could you say that again, I need to record this for next time Marshall and I talk – or, actually I’ll just call him now. And don’t think I don’t know a McConnell deflection when I hear one: _aghhhhh I accidentally betrayed my husband’s trust to his best friend, I’m a terrible person and a terrible wife etcetera, quick! Whip out a cute and totally true story about my daughter_ -”

“Barney-”

“Hi, Marshall… yeah, yeah, okay – HI DAISY, HI MARVIN WAITFORIT, IT’S YOUR FAVORITE UNCLE! Anyway, Marshall, Marshall are you listening? Marshall, Tracy has something to say to you, and it’s very important-” he stopped, turned to Tracy, arm dropping listlessly to his side. “He hung up,” he said, with an aura of disbelief.

“Yeahhhhh,” said Tracy. “So, you want to actually talk about the dog thing or do you want to wait here for Ted? Because if you don’t want to talk to me, I have other things to be doing, like, getting Luke up from his nap.”

“I mean, I’ve already explained this whole thing to you, so I guess you can help,” Barney said. “Can I come with you, for Luke? I wanna hold him.”

“Luke can walk,” Tracy reminded him, “he doesn’t like being picked up at the moment.”

“Ugh, why do terrible things keep happening to me? Maybe he’ll let me anyway.”

“Mmmm yeah, maybe.”

-

Ted had seven types of thread out on the counter and was holding Penny up so she could examine each one.

“Now, it needs to be brown, like Mr Bumble,” Ted said. 

Penny looked down and then reluctantly pushed the purple thread away. “Which one’s the best, daddy?”

Ted pulled an exaggerated frown, shifting Penny so he could stroke his chin thoughtfully and he could barely contain his delight when Penny copied his movement (new family photo pose, here we come), pouting adorably. 

“We need one that’s extra special for Mr Bumble,” Penny reminded him, “because I don’t want him to be hurt again.”

“Good point, sweetheart,” Ted said and grabbing one of the thread bundles. “Now this one is extra, extra special – magical in fact!” Penny gasped, grabbing the thread out of his hand and looking very closely at it. “Yeah, daddy used it to rescue several of mummy’s bags!”

“'Cause they’re so heavy,” Penny nodded. “Can I pay?”

Ted counted out the correct change for Penny, making sure she was counting with him (if she was going to be a doctor/engineer/astronaut, she needed math) and then watched her head up to the counter. His phone started ringing and, keeping his eyes on Penny, he picked up.

“Hey?”

“Hey, Ted, I need to talk about Barney.”

“Robin? Uh, is this going to be long? Because I’m out with Penny right now-”

“No, not at all, just. I think he might… I don’t know. Has he mentioned anything weird to you?”

“Patenting Bro Bibs again, another branch of ‘Not a Father’s Day’ merch, he just texted me with a new addition to _The Bro Code_ – a bro shall never ask another bro to go on his kids’ field trip – which I think is a direct consequence of Marvin’s-”

“Right,” Robin’s voice was terse. “Cool, okay, talk later.”

“Robin?” But she had already hung up and before Ted could do anything else, Penny was handing over her money carefully and running back over to him, asking if he saw her.

“Yes!” Ted threw her up and then immediately regretted it, she was getting so big now. “And now we’re going to go home and heal Mr Bumble – and if you’re careful you can help me with the sewing.” (If she was going to be a surgeon/seamstress/anything but a laughing stock at the historical re-enactments, she needed sewing.)

-

“Wait, when did Barney come over?” Ted asked, after they had put the kids to bed, and as Tracy was putting her ukulele away.

“Erm, mid-afternoon I think,” Tracy said. “Did he not talk to you?”

“Not really, but I did get a call from Robin,” Ted said.

Tracy got into bed beside him, “What about?”

“She wanted to know if Barney had said anything – is Barney mad at me? Why are you both asking me if Barney’s said anything to me? Did he say something to you? I need to get my folder-”

Tracy pulled Ted’s arm sharply, taking his face in her hand and making him look at her, “You are not getting that folder out or you’ll be up all night. If Barney and Robin have a problem, they’ll work it out.”

Ted squinted at her, “Do you think they’re having problems? What did Barney say?”

Tracy sighed, “You lot. I mean, I’ve known this for years, what I was marrying into, but you’re all SO co-dependent.”

“Yes, obviously, but… they’re our friends, Trace, and…” he made a general gesture and Tracy took his hand.

“I get it, babe, I really do, but they’re adults – as much as they might pretend otherwise – they can figure out their own issues.”

“Of course, they can,” Ted leant over to press his forehead to hers and then pressed his nose to hers, feeling warm and secure he pressed a clumsy kiss at the edge of Tracy’s mouth, and she giggled.

“What was _that_ , Mosby?”

-

Robin was waiting for Barney. Again. She guessed it wasn’t that unusual, he sometimes worked weird hours, as did she, but she wasn’t usually consciously waiting for him like she was right then – sat on the edge of her seat, no matter what she tried to do, her eyes constantly skittering towards the door. 

Finally, Barney opened the door. He smiled when he saw her and she felt a grin spread across her face, she felt suddenly weirdly… glowy? Eugh. That was far to Teddish for comfort, but nevertheless, there was a distinct feeling of luxury in seeing Barney and for him to be smiling right now. She got up and stalked towards him, Barney stood by the door, watching her with a distinctly pleased look as she dragged her feet deliberately. 

“Hi, honey,” he mocked.

“Hey,” Robin reached for him and pushed him back against the door, taking his face between her hands and kissing him. Their mouths moved against each other, it was casual and normal and hot as his mouth moved down, towards her throat, his hands skidding up and down her sides, one pushing up her shirt, the other now firmly anchored in her hair.

Barney gave her a push and they started moving towards the sofa, Barney’s blazer and shirt were quickly disposed of and Robin’s shirt pushed aside as Barney kissed down from her neck before getting frustrated and sitting back, unbuttoning quickly with a focused expression, as Robin went for his belt.

“Ah!” Barney got the last button and pushed her shirt back, tugging it off and then her bra was gone, and his trousers were off, and they were almost vertical on their sofa, Robin stroked one hand across his cheekbone, almost tenderly and then twisted her fingers in his hair, tugging slightly. 

“Been a while since we had sofa sex,” Barney said, reaching towards the coffee table for a condom.

“Too long,” Robin replied, breathlessly and pulled his mouth back to hers.

-

“Why did you use a condom?” Robin asked later, as they ate.

Barney looked up in alarm, “Erm. We always use a condom?”

“Yeah, but… why?” Robin frowned. “It doesn’t really make sense; I don’t have anything, you – somehow – don’t have anything; we don’t have to worry about unplanned pregnancy… why are we using them?”

“I don’t know,” Barney shrugged, “lube?”

“We have lube.”

“Then I don’t know. It just… feels safer? Do you not want to use them?”

“I don’t know,” Robin said. “I just thought about it.”

“Okay. So… no more condoms,” Barney laughed nervously. “Think of the money we’ll save.”

“I guess so,” Robin laughed, getting up and scraping her plate.

“Hey,” Barney grabbed her wrist as she moved out of the kitchen, “we’re not fighting about this right? Like, that wasn’t an argument?”

“Barney, I think you’d know if we were having an argument,” Robin kissed him and then moved past him, as she got out of the kitchen she turned to him, mischief in her eyes and unbuttoned the top few buttons of her shirt suggestively before moving into the bedroom, Barney’s eyes followed her before the rest of him and he thought, _would I know, though? ___

____

-

____

“Hey, it’s Lily. I’m not here right now and I probably won’t listen if you leave a-” **BEEP**

____

“Lily – Robin and I might be having a fight, call me back.”

____

“Hey, it’s Lily. I’m not here right now and I probably won’t listen if you leave a-” **BEEP**

____

“Hey, Lily, can we talk? Things are a little weird with Barney.”

____

“Hey, it’s Lily. I’m not here right now and I probably won’t listen if you leave a-” **BEEP**

____

“Lily I’m serious, I’ve spoken to Tracy and she just doesn’t have the wisdom that you do, she doesn’t get the situation – obviously because she’s only ever known Robin and I as the most stable and strong couple ever – she doesn’t understand how bad it can get, so please call me back.”

____

“Hey, it’s Lily. I’m not here right now and I probably won’t listen if you leave a-” **BEEP**

____

“Lily. I’m your best friend. The reason you haven’t called me back had better be because you’re currently in hospital or dead.”

____

“Hey, it’s Lily. I’m not here right now and I probably won’t listen if you leave a-” **BEEP**

____

“Sorry about that last one. I get that you have two kids who take up a lot of your time. But still. Call me back.”

____

-

____

“Hey, Robin, I don’t know why you and Barney decided today was the day to tag-team me – not like that – but I have been so busy with work and then Marvin lost his homework so we spent an hour searching for it before it turned up down the back of the toybox-”

____

“Barney’s been calling you?”

____

“Yes, now please tell me this isn’t one of your Oh So Easy To Resolve But We’re Mr And Mrs Can’t Communicate situations.”

____

“Lily, I’ve gotta go.”

____

“Okay, good luck! See you tomorrow!”

____

-

____

“Go for Barney!”

____

“We need to talk.”

____

“I’m on my way back to the apartment.”

____

“Are you?”

____

“ _(Ranjit, put your foot down!)_ I definitely am!”

____

“Good.”

____

-

____

When Barney entered, he breathed a sigh of relief, “I half expected to see the intervention banner up.”

____

“It’s at Ted’s,” Robin said, she had her legs crossed and she felt strangely prim. “Besides, this isn’t an intervention. This is… a… a couple of married people... talking.”

____

“Cool,” Barney gave a weak smile and loosened his tie. “Totally chill.”

____

“Okay,” Robin said. “So…”

____

“Sooooo,” Barney sat beside her. 

____

“Soooooooooooooo…”

____

“We should be better at this by now,” Barney said quietly, glancing at her. “Surely, laws of averages...”

____

“And yet,” Robin laughed, “here we are.”

____

“And where… exactly… is that?”

____

“Well. Married. Living together. Having a pretty great time. Mostly. Great sex.”

____

“Yes. Good… same page.”

____

Robin breathed out heavily through her nose. This was like getting blood out of a stone. Or bashing your head repeatedly against a wall. 

____

“Why don’t you want a dog?” asked Barney suddenly.

____

Robin looked around at him, “I said ‘sure’ about the dog thing!”

____

“But not, like, properly! Like you were going through the motions! Like ‘yes, honey, sure, dear, whatever you want, babe’!”

____

“I don’t know who that impression is meant to be of, but I have never said any of these things in my life.”

____

“But you don’t deny that you weren’t excited!”

____

“I was tired! And… I don’t know…”

____

“You don’t know… that you want a dog? Because I just thought… we’re in New York most of the time now, we both love dogs – we’ve both owned dogs for varying periods of time.”

____

“I owned five dogs for years, you had one dog in your possession for a few hours.”

____

“For varying periods of time! I don’t know, I thought it would be fun!”

____

“Dogs aren’t just for fun though, Barney, they’re hard work and commitment, rain or snow or sleet, in sickness and in health-”

____

“What, am I marrying the dog now?”

____

“You can’t just get one for fun and then drop it when it drools on your Armani suit or throws up on your rug!”

____

“So, you don’t think I’m committed enough to get a dog! _I’m_ the problem here?”

____

“I’m just saying… that you have a bit of a track record on having quite flighty interests… I mean you brought up the dog thing three days ago and I haven’t heard anything about it since then!”

____

“Because I was waiting for you to say something!”

____

“No – if you were serious about wanting this dog, you shouldn’t have left it three days, called Lily multiple times, TALKED TO TRACY about-”

____

“Hey! The only way you’d know about me talking to Lily and Tracy if you’d talked to them so, uh, pot! Huh, maybe you shouldn’t be calling this kettle… anything!”

____

“I talked to Lily and Ted, actually!”

____

“Ugh, I was trying to talk to Ted, but he totally fobbed me off-”

____

“And it wasn’t just… about the committing to an animal that doesn’t understand things like cleanliness or money… but… I know that Eli and Sadie have been asking for a dog…”

____

“Yeah? It’s super cute, they want a beagle, like from that Disney movie, but I don’t see what that has to do with anything.”

____

“Really? Your niece and nephew, who you love more than anything, want a dog and suddenly you’re suggesting that we get one? And then I agree, and I hear nothing about it for the next few days, so I guess that maybe you’ve changed your mind except it’s actually been bothering you and you didn’t tell me?”

____

“I didn’t lie about it,” Barney said, suddenly quite earnest, “if you’d asked me, I’d have told you.”

____

“I know,” Robin said gently, “and I don’t expect you to tell me every single feeling or thought you have, but still…”

____

“Still,” Barney repeated. “So… Robin, I really would like to get a dog. Yes, my niece and nephew are asking about dogs, and that’s probably why I’ve been thinking about it more seriously, but I’m… I’m committed to this hypothetical dog. And… yeah, they can be messy, but they can be trained and… I mean, I deal with you and your shoes all over the place, so-”

____

“Hey, I deal with a _suit room_!”

____

“That’s a totally normal thing for a man to have, Robin. Or at least a man of my looks and wealth.”

____

“Shut up!”

____

Barney grinned, “I’m just saying. I really like the idea of getting a dog. I want one. But I get that I’m not always totally committed to things that I initially like the idea of – like… many, many women I’ve slept with or… well… bro bibs the first time around, and loads of my _totally awesome_ ideas BUT it’s not fair to say that I can’t commit because I can and I have! _The Bro Code_ is a world-wide phenomenon! Some of the plays I wrote – come on – they required some pretty dedicated work! Magic! Being the most awesome person ever! And, you! As lame as this sounds, I’m committed to you! And I’m committed to not lying to you. So, I don’t think it’s fair to say that I’m only into getting a dog because my niece and nephew want one.”

____

“Maybe not,” Robin said. “And yes, you can commit to things Barney – you are capable of extreme commitment, to catchphrases and sometimes to things that I wish you weren’t like that time you trained Marshall via sneeze-”

____

“See, training a dog will be a breeze!”

____

“But… what if I go back to international news, what if I need to travel… or if you need to travel…”

____

“We’ll have multiple kids who’ll beg their parents to let them care for the dog, that’ll be a easy, or there are kennels or if we’re going for months, we can bring it with us – there are ways for this to work.”

____

“Okay, well, I’m still going to have to think about this…” Robin said.

____

“But properly,” Barney said.

____

Robin stroked his cheek with the back of her hand and kissed him, grinning against his mouth as he surged against her and then pulled back, “Properly.”

____

“Okay, so… we’re done talking for tonight?” Barney said, between kisses. “’Cus we’ve only been doing the whole ‘condom-less sex thing’ for almost 24 hours and we’ve not done enough to celebrate that.”

____

“Well then,” Robin said, laughing as Barney pushed his way between her legs and knocked her back so her head was awkwardly leant against the arm of the sofa. 

____

“Sofa sex twice in one week,” mused Barney, as he tugged her boots off and chucked them in the direction of the shoe area.

____

“Can’t blame me for that,” Robin murmured.

____

“We’ll put them away properly… later,” Barney said, as he started on his shirt, his fingers tangling with Robin’s, as she pulled off his tie. “Hey, we could train the dog to put our shoes away!”

____

“Teeth marks,” Robin reminded him.

____

“Carefully,” Barney whispered, and, suddenly, they were both naked. 

____

Robin frowned and Barney grinned, taking his hands off her for a second to do a bow, “Magic. Years of practise.” 

____

-

____

“So, we’re getting a fish!” Barney said, excitedly.

____

“Fish are boring,” said Marvin, with a look of distrust and Barney gasped.

____

“Marvin Waitforit Erikson, this fish will not be boring! I will train it to play football and do circus tricks and we’re totally doing that Nemo ‘ring of fire thing’-”

____

“I don’t think fish can be trained,” said Marshall, thoughtfully. “Don’t they have super short attention spans?”

____

“Yeah,” said Lily, “Scooter had a bunch of fish and they never did anything except swim around their tanks. And they have, like, four second memories.”

____

“Most studies show that many types of fish have five month memory, actually,” said Ted. “We watched a documentary on fish, didn’t we Penny?”

____

“Ugh,” said Marvin and Daisy in unison, shooting Penny looks that were part horror, part sympathy. Robin kind of got it. 

____

“So, how did we get from dog to fish?” asked Tracy, who was drawing on the floor with Luke.

____

“We-”

____

“Robin.”

____

“Agreed-”

____

“Decided.”

____

“Shut up, Marshall!”

____

Robin decided to step in, “We agreed to wait on the dog thing, and to start off with a fish. Maybe plural – if they need to be kept in groups or whatever. Something slightly more low maintenance. And then, maybe in a year or so, we’ll revisit the dog thing.”

____

Barney exaggeratedly put his arm around her, tickling her shoulder as his fingers skittered up and down before settling, and turned with a grin to the room, “Robin, oh so cleverly reminded me, that we can’t always rush these life-changing decisions, as well as that can work out. Because sometimes we just have to wait for it.”

____


	2. dreams of holly and ribbon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **the title is from ‘christmas tree farm’ by taylor swift**

**december 2021**

The gift itself looked innocuous enough, sitting under the tree for a full 13 days. Barney sometimes caught himself, or more often, was caught by Robin, or sometimes Ted/Tracy/Lily/Marshall, trying to sneak a peak under the messy wrap-job. 

“I just want to know,” he complained, as he was dragged away from the tree and by that point, he would be intercepted by various kids who crowed victoriously that their uncle had been stopped again.

“Not! Until! Christmas!” Marvin would bellow, throwing himself into Barney’s path and calling for reinforcements (Daisy and Luke) who began hitting their uncle repeatedly with cushions until Barney begged for mercy.

“You won’t even _be_ here for Christmas you little monsters!” Barney tried. “Surely-”

“NO!” Daisy screamed, hugging Barney’s leg tightly so that he overbalanced and tumbled to the floor, she let go suddenly, caught between guilt and laughter. Barney, always an expert at taking a fall, sat up wheezing exaggeratedly and Daisy laughed delightedly.

“Don’t encourage him,” sighed Robin from where she was sitting at the table with Ted and Marshall. “I have to deal with him throwing himself around enough, without an engaged audience.”

“You used to be my engaged audience,” Barney reminded her, scooping Daisy into his arms. 

“I was never engaged,” Robin protested.

“None of us were,” Ted added.

“Uhhhh, proposal? On the roof of the WWN building?” Barney frowned in their general direction. “It was pretty awesome, Robin, you should have been there.”

“For the last time, me being engaged to you did not make me your ‘engaged audience’,” Robin said, voice raising as Barney put his hands over his ears and went LALALALALA very loudly. 

“Tell me, Robin,” Marshall said, “how do you deal with this every day?”

“Well, most days we both have work, so I only have to deal with him for a few hours,” Robin said (“Hey!” Barney said.) “And if he really gets on my nerves, I’ll kick him out. Or knock him out.”

“I don’t get on your nerves,” Barney said, getting up and strolling towards them, when he reached Robin he slid into the chair beside her and leant across to kiss her, one arm falling around her shoulder. When they didn’t pull back after a few seconds, both of them grinning into the kiss, Marshall and Ted looked at each other.

 _Should we say something?_ Marshall thought telepathically.

 _They’ve gotta stop in a second,_ Ted thought back, hopefully.

“EWWWWW,” Luke said, spotting Barney and Robin. Daisy and Marvin looked over and immediately burst into exaggerated retching noises. 

Barney and Robin pulled back, with seemingly great reluctance, and smiled at each other. Then Barney’s head snapped around to face the kids, his face filled with mock horror. “What do you mean ‘ewwww’, Luke? What were you talking about? Because you couldn’t have been talking about me kissing your Aunt Robin?”

Luke giggled, “’S gross!”

“Aunt Robin is not gross!” Barney said, affronted. “ _Don’t worry, babe, I got you._ She happens to be _extremely_ hot – which is, well, the opposite of gross.”

“He means kissing is gross,” Marvin clarified. 

“Not true,” said Robin.

“Boys are gross,” said Daisy decisively. 

Robin shrugged, “Can’t argue there.”

Barney gasped repeatedly. “I,” he said, “am NOT gross! And kissing, while you guys may be too young to appreciate it at the moment – though, Marvin, I guess you’re not so far off-”

“Dude,” Marshall said, warningly. 

“It’s just a fact,” Barney said. “And Daisy’ll be next.”

“I’m never kissing anybody,” Daisy said, face wrinkling. 

Marshall grinned, “Tell him, Daze.”

Barney shot Marshall a withering look. “The point is, my young padawans, kissing is great and not at all gross, and someday you’ll understand that.”

“Ah,” said Ted. “The ‘someday you’ll understand’ spiel. We did one of these yesterday, didn’t we Luke?” Luke groaned, ducking behind the counter. “He and Penny said they didn’t like _Star Wars_ – they said that Han was mean.”

“First of all, Han _is_ mean and also a badass and that’s why he’s great,” Barney said. “And secondly, no. I mean, yes, kissing is awesome, but I refuse to participate in this whole ‘group parenting’ thing you guys seem to think we’re doing.”

“We’re not doing that,” said Marshall.

“And while I understand that you guys are all desperate for some of my awesome to rub off on the younglings-”

“Praying for the exact opposite,” said Ted.

“Point is!” Barney said, “I am not ‘like Ted’ in this. I am not playing your game, sir! I will provide these kids with some much-needed illegal activity. And fashion sense. NOT moral lessons a la Tedwina.” 

Robin snickered, “Tedwina! Classic!”

“How did you-”

“The audio device I have in your car.”

“You have-”

“I don’t recall saying audio device, excuse me,” Barney walked over to the fridge and began examining the shelves carefully.

“At least he didn’t see the gift,” Robin pointed out. 

Barney slammed the fridge door shut and pressed his face against it, “You know what it is?! Has everyone turned on me?”

Daisy, Marvin and Luke started to giggle amongst themselves again.

-

“I’ll give you 50 bucks, Pen,” Barney wheedled. 

“No,” Penny said, carefully turning the page of her book. 

“100,” Barney tried again.

Penny sighed, pushing her hair back in an oddly Ted-like gesture that made Barney feel a little strange. “’M not telling you, Uncle Barney. ‘S a Christmas present.”

“Am I going to like it?” Barney asked, bluntly. 

“Yes,” Penny said, with a put-upon sigh a la Eeyore (shut up, despite their best efforts Robin and Barney had absorbed some of the kiddy stuff by sheer exposure).

Well then, Barney lay back on the floor and Marvin scrambled over, begging for Barney to do the weight-lifting thing. Barney couldn’t really do that with Marvin anymore (god he was heavy) but his pride wouldn’t let him give up just yet, so he said, “Jump on! Betcha I can do 100 presses.”

Marvin squirmed on top of Barney’s stomach as Barney tickled his sides and laughed, “Mom says we’re not allowed to bet with you.”

“Ah,” Barney said. “That’s Lily, taking the fun out of everything, even when she’s not in the room.”

“What was that?” Lily said.

“I said you obviously brighten up every room,” Barney said smoothly, winking at Marvin who let out a delighted shriek.

“No, Mommy, he said-” the rest of his sentence was muffled by Barney’s hand over his mouth and then was cut off by Barney launching into a tickle fight that left Marvin breathless with laughter. 

“Heyyyyy,” Daisy called, running into the room. “Aunt Tracy said she’ll play hide and seek now!”

“Yes!” Marvin shoved free from Barney, their practically made bet forgotten, and Penny hurried after him, book abandoned on the floor.

Barney shifted over to take a look at the page it was open on. Some bullshit about hunting for a bear. “Wow, this is super crap,” he laughed, flicking the page over and raising an eyebrow at Lily.

“It’s a childhood classic,” Lily sniffed. “Not that you’d appreciate the lessons it teaches.”

“Lessons? Don’t make me laugh, Lily, a book this short cannot contain any lessons.”

Lily huffed a laugh and then sat on the floor next to his head. If he moved a few inches left, he could probably look up her skirt, but he didn’t move. “Your boobs look really great from this angle.”

Lily smacked his shoulder. “There are only two boobs you should care about looking at.”

“I’m allowed to look,” Barney smirked.

“I’ll stab your eyes out with my heels,” Lily muttered.

“What?”

“What?”

“How long are you going to Minnesota for, by the way?”

“Just until boxing day,” Lily said. “I already told you that.”

“I wasn’t listening. So, we’re doing New Year’s Eve at yours again?”

“Oh god,” Lily groaned, rubbing her forehead. “I keep trying to forget about that.”

“How much gouda has Marshall stocked?” Barney half laughed. “OUCH!” he yelped an instant later when Lily punched him in the chest.

“Way too much, you assface.”

“Hey, I’m not stocking up enough cheese to feed a nativity,” protested Barney.

-

“Me first, me first, me first!” yelled Barney, running into Loretta’s sitting room, carrying a huge load of packages, Eli and Sadie hot on his heels. 

Robin gave a half-smile, she was also carrying some large presents, so hugging James, Tom, Sam and Loretta was a struggle, but they managed. 

“God,” Tom said, taking one of the parcels from her. “I thought we put a limit on the number of gifts you guys were allowed to buy Eli and Dee.” 

Robin shrugged helplessly, “You know Barney, once he gets something into his head you can’t reason with him. It’s better just to go with it. I did manage to talk him out of a dog for a second year running though, so, you’re welcome.”

“How’s your dog hunt going, by the way?” James asked.

Robin sighed, “We’re arguing a lot at the moment. Barney wants a husky and I think they’re cute but they’re notoriously hard to train and I just can’t deal with that. Also, unless he wants to move to a house in the suburbs with a big garden, we don’t have the space for one.”

“Huskies are cute though,” Tom said wistfully. 

“Nope,” James said, snapping his fingers in Tom’s face. “Two kids are hard enough. Stay strong.”

“Huskies are like super manly,” Barney’s face popped through the door, “and you’re not telling the fully story, Robin. _She_ won’t even consider getting a small dog, which is where the whole husky thing came in. I was all for a corgi.”

“THERE IS _LITERALLY_ NO POINT TO A SMALL DOG!” 

Barney made a _‘SEE!’_ face.

Sadie ran back into the kitchen. “Presents! Daddies, hurry UP!”

-

“I can’t believe you got me a new watch,” Barney said, turning his wrist to admire said watch in the cab. He tapped Robin’s knee and then leaned over to kiss her. “This is so great.”

“Well considering you’ve been raving about it for two months I’d hope so,” Robin said, but she was smiling and fingering the wooden box that contained two intricate hair combs that she’d spotted in India on their thank-god-we-don’t-have-kids-and-can-travel-whenever-we-want holiday earlier that year. She hadn’t even realised that Barney caught her looking, but he had regaled her with a story – him the dashing hero – of sneaking out while she was sleeping, and haggling (“And riddles three,” Barney whispered dramatically to the kids), basking in the look of genuine shock on her face as she opened them and bragging loudly about how he’s the greatest husband in the world (“Um, we’re all right here,” said James, gesturing to himself, Tom and Sam. Barney shrugged unapologetically and considering James’ previous cheating and Sam and Loretta’s… _ehem_ … history, Robin was inclined to agree with him).

“You’re the best wife ever,” Barney said, still caught up in his new watch. Robin was just relieved that she’d remembered the one he wanted (not that it would be easy to forget, but she still, all these years later, felt like she was on a bit of a tight-rope when it came to the whole ‘wife’ thing). “I can’t wait to show it to Marshall and Ted.” 

Feeling uncharacteristically cozy, Robin drew towards Barney, nudging his arm around her shoulders and resting her head on his shoulder. She felt his lips press against her hair and sighed leisurely. 

“We’re going over to Jerry’s at one tomorrow, right?” she asked.

“Uh, yeah,” Barney said, clearing his throat. “Just for a few hours, I think.”

“’S just us for the evening then,” Robin said, and she felt an approving rumble in Barney’s chest, and he squeezed her shoulder.

“God, I love you,” he said.

“Good,” she said. “Or you wouldn’t be getting your other present.”

“An x rated present?” he guessed, voice piping in excitement. 

“Your present from the kids,” Robin reminded him. 

“Oh,” his voice dropped. “Yeah.”

“You were so desperate to find out what was in it,” Robin said, laughing.

“Yeah, well,” Barney sighed. “That’s when they were all here and excited about it and giggling and conspiring, you know? Now it’s just a regular Christmas present.”

“It’s their first non-drawing/craft present for you,” Robin said, and Barney perked up.

“Yeah!” he sat up straight, dislodging Robin from where she’d been leaning against him. “Hopefully the end of that particular era! No more messy, weird, glitter everywhere shit we have to hang up on the fridge every time they come over!”

“No matter what their parents seem to think,” Robin agreed, “that was not the work of future artists.”

Barney snorted. 

-

When they arrived back at the apartment Barney mostly seemed interested in pushing Robin against the door and getting her clothes off. “So hot,” he murmured against her neck as he shoved her coat off her shoulders. “So many layers.”

“Get off,” Robin said, hands gripping him close to her.

“I’d rather get _you_ off.”

“Gotta unwrap your present,” Robin reminded him, this time actually pulling her mouth away from his.

“I’d rather unwrap _you_ ,” Barney waggled his eyebrows and Robin shoved him away from her, groaning.

“That was smooth!” Barney protested.

“As sandpaper,” Robin laughing, kissing him quickly to stop him from stropping and then hurrying him towards the tree (yeah, no, she still wanted a good fuck). 

She pulled out her phone as Barney dragged the gift towards himself. “You have to film this?”

“I’m under strict instructions.”

“Whatever. HEY KIDS!” Barney waved at the camera and started ripping the paper.

“The card,” Robin reminded him.

“Oh yeah,” Barney opened the card. “To Uncle Barney, Merry Christmas! Lots of love and hugs and kisses from Marvin, Daisy, Penny and Luke! Awwwww, sending you guys love and hugs and kisses too!” 

He pulled the last of the wrapping paper off. He stared into his lap where the present sat. He looked up at Robin, face completely frozen. Robin hoped the camera was capturing this properly because she was shaking with silent laughter.

“Oh, wow! Guys!” Barney’s voice was about four pitches higher than normal. “Oh. WOW. Thank you! Thanks so much! This…”

Robin took pity and stopped recording, immediately Barney burst into tears. 

“Oh,” Robin rubbed his back in solidarity, wondering if she could turn the camera back on without Barney seeing. “It’s okay.”

“Do I have to wear it?” Barney asked through sobs.

“Yes,” Robin said, and Barney flinched like she’d slapped him.

“Really?”

“Really.”

“I’m moving to… Delaware. No, wait, I’m fleeing the country. I’m going to leave in the middle of the night and never return.”

“Cool, thanks for the warning.”

“Robin!”

“It’s just a T-shirt! I thought you might even approve of the message.”

“A T-SHIRT!” Barney yelled, still choking back sobs. “Ted did this. This whole thing just SCREAMS Mosby. I bet this is the whole reason he had kids.”

“To make you wear a T-shirt?”

“No, the whole reason he even _married_ Tracy,” Barney said like she hadn’t spoken.

“Glad you’re not going all conspiracy theorist on this.”

“No, the whole reason he approached me at the urinal.”

“ _You_ approached _him_.”

Barney looked at her, the tears streaming down his face and his expression of anguish gave her a little pang in her chest, even if she mostly was amused by his whole reaction. “Look, it’s just a T-shirt, you only have to wear it a few times around the kids. And look on the bright side, at least they think you’re ‘awesome’.”

“Well,” Barney said, wiping his face. “Naturally.”

“Now,” Robin said, getting to her feet. “You go to the bathroom and wipe your face and try to look less pathetic and I’ll give you your other present.”

Barney sniffed suspiciously, “An x rated present?”

Robin smirked wickedly and Barney leapt to his feet, T-shirt falling to the floor, forgotten in his excitement. It was a little endearing, Robin thought as she headed to the bedroom to slink out of her clothes and into the negligee she’d commissioned, that after all the sex he’d had – all the sex _they’d_ had – he still treated it like it was brand new and thrilling. This was proven when a few minutes later he came into the bedroom – already naked – almost hovering in anticipation, his face slackened when he saw her, eyes moving up and down her body.

“You coming over?” Robin asked, voice thick with laughter and flattered good humor. 

“You are,” Barney said, moving with lightning speed. “The,” he kissed her, hard and she moaned against him. “Greatest,” he pressed their bodies together and they both groaned. “Wife,” his mouth moved to her neck, hands grasping at her chest. “ _Ever_ ,” his voice had become a growl that she could feel against her skin.

“Well obviously,” Robin said, pulling a pair of handcuffs from behind her and pushing her husband down onto the bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the t-shirt i imagine the the kids got barney is [this one](https://www.amazon.co.uk/Funcle-Definition-Awesome-Uncles-T-Shirt/dp/B0761NMTM8/ref=pd_sbs_193_1/262-2584460-3756827?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=B0761NMTM8&pd_rd_r=5d863a12-fe6c-4273-bb3c-a165996597b2&pd_rd_w=liqAq&pd_rd_wg=qQ8hv&pf_rd_p=f4a31d1d-8f61-48f5-b6f4-a22ba06df575&pf_rd_r=A564YHNKAG5FC7ZYW703&refRID=A564YHNKAG5FC7ZYW703)


	3. we could let our friends crash in the living room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's so short but this just struck me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **the chapter title is from lover by taylor swift**

**december 31 2019/january 1 2020**

The apartment was trashed. There, Barney thought regretfully, was really no other word for it. There were empty bottles on the table surfaces, platters of food abandoned and askew, waiting to be knocked over by a slightly tipsy adult. The reason that Barney was not currently ferrying these items into the kitchen or performing karaoke with a tired Lily and Marshall or magic tricks was the fact that Ted was sleeping against his chest.

That hadn’t, Barney assumed, been Ted’s intention when he sat down beside Barney with a beer, looking reverentially at it and then at Tracy who laughed and told him to go ahead.

“My first beer since August,” Ted said.

“Your fault, bro,” Barney said. “Plenty of kids grow up with alcohol in the house. I mean I-” He stopped, thinking that maybe his childhood was not the best example to offer up, luckily Ted was so enamoured by the alcohol that he seemed not to notice Barney’s slip.

Robin had walked in then, carrying the final tray of food. It was funny, Barney thought as he regarded her, how she could make carrying food seem like a mission from Mars, she studied the living room for a free space and when there was none she balanced the tray in one hand and stacked a couple of the previous trays before placing it awkwardly on the table.

“This food is so fancy I don’t even know what it is,” Marshall said.

“That’s what happens when your idea of eating out is McDonalds,” said Robin, with a laugh.

“No kids high-five!” Barney yelled and Robin laughed, returning his high-five and then kissing him.

They had all cajoled her into performing some Robin Sparkles then, Barney catcalling loudly and reminding everyone that he was married to former child pop star Robin Sparkles, did they know? And somewhere in that time, after two beers, Ted had quietened and flopped onto Barney.

It wasn’t so bad. It kinda reminded Barney of when Penny or Luke would fall asleep against Ted, not that he was Ted in this scenario because Ted was there and asleep but… well… There was a clause in _The Bro Code_ about bros caring for their passed-out bros and Barney was invoking it now. Even though his arm had gone dead and truly Ted’s brain must weigh as much as a building.

Midnight came and went, Robin refusing to kiss Barney over a sleeping Ted and ignoring his suggestion that she and Tracy kiss as their husbands were unavailable and eventually Ted woke up a little, and blinked up at Barney and then around to where Tracy, Marshall and Lily had fallen asleep (the babysitters aka grandparents were staying overnight with the kids anyway).

“Sorry,” Ted muttered, moving off Barney.

“Yeah, I hope so,” Barney said. “I can’t feel my arm. My favourite arm.”

“Right,” Ted blinked and yawned. “Happy New Year, bro.”

Barney grinned, “It sure is. A whole new decade, in fact.”

He got up and headed out onto the patio where Robin had been standing for the last 20 minutes, leaving Ted to blink dazedly after him.

Robin turned as Barney walked out and joined her. They seemed to talk, both of them with their backs to the glass pane and then when Barney moved back and it was clear they were laughing. Then they were kissing. Ted looked down at Tracy, asleep with 40 bobby pins suck in her hair. He started to tug some of them out. When he looked up, Barney and Robin had stopped kissing and were standing at the balcony, bodies pressed close together, one stream of smoke slowly twisting in the cold air above them and fireworks screaming through the New York skyline.


	4. when i watch the world burn all i think about is you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> if u don't want to read something concerning covid-19 skip this chapter but i think i might come back to this a few times just bc it's on my mind a lot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title is from doom days by bastille

**March 20 2020**

“Robin isn’t responding to my texts,” Lily said. “We should be concerned right?”

“I’m sure she’ll reply soon, baby,” Marshall said from the kitchen. 

Lily was already calling Barney, “Yeah, yeah, you’re right, baby.”

“Are you calling Barney again?”

“Yup.”

Marshall sighed, “Put him on speaker.”

“Go for Barney!”

“Hey, it’s us,” Lily said. “I was wondering if you’ve heard from Robin”

“Oh,” Barney said. 

“That’s a no,” said Lily, voice rising an octave. “When did you last speak to her?!”

There was a long silence, long enough that Marshall looked from chopping carrots and made worried eye contact with Lily. “What?”

“When did you last speak to Robin?” Marshall snapped. 

“Last night,” Barney said.

“And? What’s happening?”

“She’ll be back,” Barney said. 

“She said that?” Lily asked, voice quaking. 

“She’ll be back,” Barney said again, voice harder. “Now I’m hard at work here guys.”

“You had better mean you’re working from home,” Lily said, kneading her forehead. 

“I think he meant he was masturbating,” Marshall offered. 

“GROSS! BARNEY!” Barney cackled down the phone and Lily hung up in disgust, shaking her head. “You know what, I wouldn’t blame Robin for not coming back if it means being stuck inside with Barney for weeks.”

-

**ROBIN’S PHONE**

15:00

Swarley: hey doll, my darling, my dear when the fuck are u coming home?

Swarley: just cus I have big plans for ur return

Swarley: and by big of course I’m referring to 

Swarley: my

Swarley: dick

Swarley: rooooooobinnnnnnnn

Swarley: bc seriously the news is looking freaky

Swarley: we’re gonna self isolate together right????

Swarley: u know what that means?

Swarley: sexcation baby!

Swarley: stay safe and TEXT ME BACK

-

**BARNEY’S PHONE**

15:15

Robin Sparkles: one day I will have a shower without you blowing my phone up

Me: only if you’re blowing me 😘

Robin Sparkles: I walked right into that one

Me: what did matt say?

Robin Sparkles: I should be on the first flight tomorrow

Me: YAYYYYYYY!!!!!! Meet u at the airport

Robin Sparkles: probably shouldn’t tbh I’ll just get a taxi

Me: ☹

Robin Sparkles: ……..and I’ll see you at home

Me: 👀

Robin: we’re doing everything we skyped about

Me: wanna skype now?

Robin: I’m on the way to an airport

Me: find a bathroom?

Robin: I’ll text you when I get on the plane x

Me: x

-

Barney had run 14 miles on the treadmill. He had watched three Bond films. He had texted Ted 40 times. He had performed 10 magic tricks over skype to Penny and Luke. He had listened to one bedtime story. He was currently pacing the apartment, his phone volume on max and the news on the tv with the sound off. He was avoiding looking at the screen, which was hard, considering that it took up a whole wall. 

Giving up wearing a hole in the floor, Barney sighed and threw himself half-heartedly onto the sofa, pressing his face into the cushions. His phone buzzed and he wrestled it up to his face to see another text from Ted asking if Robin had messaged yet. Barney sighed and decided to make some food. 

Barney read a recipe book.

Barney realised that he didn’t have any ingredients to make anything.

“Fuck,” he said quietly, letting the book slip from his hands. 

He called Ted. 

“No, Robin hasn’t texted me yet, but I’m also pretty sure that we’re going to starve to death.”

“Yeah that sounds like a problem,” Ted said. “Sorry – babe, Robin still hasn’t made contact… I _am_ worried, it’s getting close to 2am.”

“Made– you make it sound like an alien movie,” Barney scoffed. “Or like… like I’m some househusband, sitting around waiting for my jetsetter wife to call me back.”

“Hate to break it to you-”

“I know, I know,” Barney interrupted. “What are we meant to have in kitchens?”

“Uh? Like in general?”

“For cooking, Ted. We’re gonna need food in the house.”

“Oh okay. Rice, pasta, soup… bread… I’m kinda blanking on what food exists.”

“What do you have?”

“I’m in bed, Barney.”

“Hot.”

“Shut up!”

“I’m gonna text my food guy and he’ll surely be able to tell me what to do,” Barney mused. 

“You do that and please do text when Robin-”

“Ugh, go thirst after your own wife, Mosby.”

“I WASN’T-”

“Byeeeee!” Barney sang down the phone and then dropped in onto the sofa. After a few seconds, he scrabbled for it again and texted his food guy and stared at Robin’s last message again, willing her onto a plane. His phone buzzed in his hands and for one victorious moment, he thought it had worked until he realised it was just his food guy with a grocery list and his top 3 online shopping options. Barney watched the minutes slide by. _The 2am rule is dumb_ , he reminded himself, it’s a stupid Ted thing, but it was hard to deny the sinking feeling in his gut when 2:01am came around. 

**21 March 2020**

“Hey, honey!” Robin smirked as Barney jolted upright on the sofa. He stared blearily at her. She was wearing a sharply tailored pencil skirt and dark blue blouse; her hair was artfully tousled and her make up was smooth and fresh. She looked perfect. She looked like she had walked off a catwalk. She was smiling at him. If he didn’t love her so much he would hate her.

“Robin,” he said. He felt oddly choked up. “I missed your text.”

She laughed. God, he had forgotten how good her laugh sounded when she was in the same room as him. “I know,” she said. “I texted everyone else too.”

“Right,” Barney said. “You gonna stand there all day?”

She was already stepping out of her heels and towards him, he stood up and she walked into his arms, their bodies connecting solidly, cheek to cheek, chest to chest, toe to toe. Barney tightened his grip around her shoulders, one hand moving into her hair and Robin smoothed a circle on his back. He could breathe. He felt a ghost of wetness on his neck and he started. Robin locked her arms around him, impossibly holding him closer, and made an aborted gasping noise. 

“It’s okay,” he said, after a few seconds of standing there awkwardly. “You’re home.”

“Yeah,” Robin’s voice was only a little thick and Barney could pretend that he didn’t notice that. “Way to state the obvious.”

They stayed like that for a few minutes. Before Barney started shuffling them back towards the sofa so they could at least be lying down. Robin let go of him and he felt colder, but she took his hand silently and followed him onto the couch where she tucked her head under his chin and pressed a hand to his stomach under his shirt, their legs tangling. 

“We need to buy some food,” Barney said. “I’m on it and… it’s just for emergencies in case we can’t order food anymore.”

“We should have some stuff in,” Robin agreed. She sighed and then, quietly said, “I really missed you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” 

Usually, this would be the moment when things got dirty. He would ask, ‘how much?’ or Robin would grab him and ask if he had missed her too. It hung in the air between them.

“Are we allowed to do this?” Barney asked suddenly. “Are we meant to be in separate rooms?”

Robin didn’t move. “If I’m going down, you’re going down, Stinson.”

“Ugh, evil hot wife,” Barney griped. 

“I should definitely shower though,” Robin said. “I need to wash.”

“For twenty seconds,” Barney nodded. Robin snorted.

“Finally, your ego has been humbled.”

“What?!”

Robin pulled back, her eyes glittering with humor, “Only twenty seconds, wow, that’s like, way less than I remember you telling the guys.”

“Robin!” Barney whined. “That’s not- Look! I can go alllllll night. You know that!”

Robin’s shoulders were shaking with suppressed laughter, “I don’t know… I’ve been gone a while…”

“Two weeks!” Barney yelled. “We’re having shower sex RIGHT NOW!”

“Oh, goodie!” Robin wiggled out from his grip and jumped up, holding a hand out to him that he took, squinting up at her suspiciously. “Fuck the dirt off me,” Robin whispered and Barney winced. 

“You can’t mention the fact that you’re covered in dirt when you proposition me!”

“I thought you liked it dirty.”

“Robin!”

“So, shower sex?”

“Do you really have to ask?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't be like barney and robin. take care of yourselves!! hope all of u and ur families and friends are safe during this scary time!

**Author's Note:**

> let me know your thoughts!


End file.
